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What if guilt, an emotion that often makes us squirm, could instead be a tool for personal growth and happiness? This episode of Live Well and Flourish is dedicated to transforming our perceptions of guilt, and employing it as a signal for reflection, self-improvement and ultimately, leading a life that aligns with our values. I lay out the distinction between destructive and constructive guilt, and how to differentiate between them. We take a deep look into common guilt triggers like perfectionism, lingering regrets, and transient thoughts, learning how to navigate them effectively.
Prepare to be empowered as I reveal how guilt, an emotion typically frowned upon, can actually act as a beacon guiding us towards living an excellent life. We delve into practical examples to illustrate the dichotomy of guilt, helping you recognize when guilt is counterproductive and when it serves as a call for change. By the end of this enlightening episode, you'll know how to convert guilt into a catalyst for growth, ensuring that every emotion you experience becomes a stepping stone towards a flourishing life. Stay tuned to unravel the mystery of guilt and turn it into your ally.
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Live Well and Flourish website: https://www.livewellandflourish.com/
The theme music for Live Well and Flourish was written by Hazel Crossler, hazel.crossler@gmail.com.
Production assistant - Paul Robert
Craig 00:00
Welcome to Live Well & Flourish. I'm your host, Craig Van Slyke.
We all feel guilty from time to time. Guilt is typically triggered when you feel like your thoughts, actions or attitudes don't align with your standards. In other words, you feel like you've done something wrong or failed in some obligation. Sometimes the failure is real, and sometimes it's imagined. Regardless, guilt is a pretty uncomfortable feeling. Nobody likes feeling guilty (at least I can't imagine someone who likes feeling that way).
So, generally we think of guilt as being bad ... and it often is. But guilt serves important social and personal functions as well. Socially, guilt promotes cooperative behaviors by motivating living up to your obligations to others and discouraging actions that harm others. Personally, guilt can motivate improvement. It's a signal that you've strayed from your moral compass, that you're not living according to your standards and values. This recognition can lead you to adjust your thoughts and actions to be more in alignment with your values.
Craig 01:06
So, guilt is kind of a paradox. (I'm not sure paradox is exactly the right word, but I think you'll get my meaning.) The dark side of guilt is that it can be a soul crushing emotion, especially when you feel guilty about feeling guilty, which is its own special kind of hell. But when guilt serves as a sort of diagnostic tool, it can help you live a flourishing life. Guilt can be destructive or productive; the trick is in distinguishing between the two.
Here's today's big message. Don't ban guilt; harness it for growth and flourishing. How can you do this? Well, the first step, which I just mentioned, is being able to tell the difference between destructive and productive guilt. As is often the case, wisdom lies in discernment.
Craig 01:56
It seems to me that two key factors can help you figure out whether guilt is destructive or productive -- whether the action or thought in question actually deviates from your values, and whether you had any control over the thought or action. For guilt to be productive, both conditions have to be met, there has to be a deviation from your values and you have to reasonably have had control over the thought or action.
Let's look at an example. We get more than our share of hurricanes in Louisiana (or as we say down south, hurricans.) When a big storm tears up south Louisiana, it's fine for me to feel sad about the situation, but it makes no sense for me to feel guilty that we didn't get hit. I have zero control over the path of a hurricane.
Here’s another example. Suppose a friend tries to make you feel guilty because you don’t want to go out partying with them. If staying home is better aligned with your values, then any guilt you feel is unproductive, it's destructive. Staying home is within your control, but it’s not contrary to your values. So, the guilt isn’t a signal that you need to make a change. And the first example, the hurricane is out of my control, so I don't need to feel guilt. Any guilt I feel is counterproductive. And the second example, yeah, whether I go out is under my control but going out doesn't alight with my values, so I shouldn't feel any guilt there either, and if I do I need to consider it as being unproductive.
Craig 03:35
When I feel guilty because of an action or thought that IS contrary to my values and IS under my control, the guilt is a signal that I need to reflect on the situation so that I am more likely to act according to my values in the future. In other words, the guilt is an opportunity to grow. Remember, nobody’s perfect, you're gonna make mistakes and you're gonna feel some guilt. The best way to deal with that guilt is to use it as a trigger for growth and improvement. Then the guilt serves some useful purpose and you’ll be more likely to let it go so it won’t slide into chronic guilt.
Chronic guilt is especially bad for your well-being. So, you want to be sure to guard against ongoing guilt. Figuring out whether the guilt is destructive or productive is the first step in dealing with chronic guilt. If it’s destructive, then it's undeserved and serves no purpose, so let it go. If the guilt is productive, make it productive by taking advantage of the growth opportunity it represents. Then, move on from the guilt knowing that you’ve done something few people do … turned guilt into growth.
Craig 04:45
I’m going to close out this episode by talking about some particularly problematic causes of guilt: perfectionism, regret over the past, and fleeting thoughts. Recognizing these guilt triggers can help you manage the guilt more effectively.
Perfectionism is often a cause for guilt. (Ask me how I know this.) Perfectionists feel guilty over even small mistakes. There’s kind of a little bit of hidden arrogance in this sort of perfectionism. Nobody else is perfect, so unless you think you’re better than EVERYONE else, being perfect really is an unreasonable expectation, so don't feel guilty over small mistakes. The guilt saps you of mental energy that can be better used to diagnose the cause of the mistake so that similar errors can be avoided in the future.
Craig 05:37
Feelings of guilt over past events are also common. Remember, though, that you can’t unring the bell. Past events are over; you can’t change them. Don’t waste mental energy on guilt. There are better uses.
Finally, if you’re like me, you sometimes feel guilt over fleeting thoughts. Those fleeing thoughts, they're temporary. They're just things that pop into your head from time to time. Maybe you mentally drool just a little over some delicious key lime pie when you’re trying to drop some weight. These kind of thoughts are mostly beyond your control, so really you need to let them go and just not feel guilty about them. The important thing is whether you act on those thoughts, that IS under your control. So, if you covet the key lime pie, well you know, that's okay. Just don't eat it. Or do, it's okay to enjoy treats from time to time. So when you feel these fleeting, just let them be fleeting, let them pass and be happy that you resisted temptation.
Craig 06:39
The next time you find yourself weighed down by guilt, remember that you have the power to transform guilt into growth. Harness the uncomfortable emotion as a guide towards living an excellent life.
Well, that’s all for now. Stay excellent my friends.
