The Emotional Labor of Managing Multiple Identities

Craig 00:00 

Whether you realize it or not, you have multiple identities … there’s the home you, the work you, the out with friends you … juggling these identities can be exhausting. In this episode, I discuss the emotional labor associated with managing the multi-faceted identities we present to the world.

Welcome to Live Well and Flourish, where I help you understand what it means to live a flourishing life. I'm your host, Craig Van Slyke. If you're ready to think beyond material and external success, if you're ready to take control of who you are and the kind of life you live, if you're ready to flourish, this is the podcast for you.

When Tracy and I lived in St. Louis, we hung out at a local restaurant (Sqwires, which is just a fantastic place, by the way - Do yourself a favor, if you're in St. Louis check it out) and we developed a large, diverse group of friends. When I’m out socially, I’m a bit of a wiseguy, joking around a lot, but never in a mean or disrespectful way (seriously, I don't do that). One of our friends, Nancy, started calling me Jackass, when she first did this I replied, “That’s DR. Jackass", which became shortened to Dr. J. and that was my nickname around Sqwires.

Craig 01:24 

At the time, I was a professor and associate dean at Saint Louis University. There I was more serious (a lot more serious) and I think much less of a jackass. I was Dr. Van Slyke. Effectively, I had two identities, Dr. J. to my friends at Sqwires and Dr. Van Slyke to my students and colleagues at the university (although I didn't ask my colleagues to call me Dr. Van Slyke). Sometimes I had to work pretty hard to make sure that I was the right doctor in the right setting. More than a few I had to tamp down Dr. J. during a meeting!

Here’s the thing, though. In both situations, I was still me at my core. I didn’t make mean jokes and I didn’t act like a jerk in either place (at least I tried really hard not to). I tried to live up to my values and exhibit the virtues that are important to me, regardless of the setting.

Craig 02:17 

We all have multiple personal and social identities that we need to manage, even if you're not consciously aware of them. If you stop and think about it for a minute, though, you can probably envision several different “yous,” different identities that you project in different situations. You’re probably a slightly different person at work, at home, when hanging around with your friends … in fact, you may project different identities to different sets of friends. I'm kind of different if I'm here in Louisiana than if I'm back home in Orlando. This realization might bother you a bit when you first think about it. Are you just playacting? Are you wearing a mask? Are you being inauthentic? No, you’re not. It’s completely natural and socially desirable to have these multiple identities - different identities in different situations. It’s just something we do more or less naturally.

Craig 03:14 

There is a problem, though. Managing and switching between your various identities requires effort. When I had to dial back Dr. J. at work, there was effort involved. This sort of effort is a type of emotional labor, which is the effort required to manage your emotions to adhere to social or professional expectations. Switching from one identity to another can be hard work, even when we do it unconsciously. When emotional labor pushes us into cognitive or emotional overload, we tend to get stressed out and anxious, which is not a good situation.

OK, let’s dig a little deeper into identities. Personal and social identities are not exactly the same thing. Personal identity encompasses your individual characteristics, beliefs, experiences and abilities. Social identity has to do with the groups you belong to and how you see yourself within these groups. For my purposes, though, I'm just gonna bundle these together into the overall idea of identity as I use it here.

Craig 04:17 

Why do we have multiple identities? Well, human life is, by nature, complex and multi-faceted. Human existence is embedded in a rich tapestry of different contexts and social situations. Take a minute and think about your typical day (if you're driving don't close your eyes, though). How many different social situations are you in during a single day? You’re probably with your family, your work colleagues … maybe several interlocking groups of colleagues, friends that you meet for lunch, people that you know from the coffee shop where you pick up your caffeine and danish, maybe neighborhood friends you run into when you walk your pup … the list can get pretty long. The result is a sort of kaleidoscope of social existence, one in which you present slightly different identities - slightly different versions of yourself in the various social encounters. This is made even more complicated since you also have your private identity … that's the “you” of those rare moments of solitude. Effectively balancing these various identities is a critical part of your flourishing.

Craig 05:26 

When thinking through all of this, it occurred to me that there’s a sort of hierarchy of identities. There’s the macro level, which is your overall identity - that core you. This is made up of your values, beliefs, perspectives, proclivities, preferences, personality (and lots of other p words)… all of those things that may you, you. These are enduring, they do change over long periods of time as you learn and experience life, but they kind of stick around. Keep in mind that this macro level identity permeates all of the other identities in your life, that’s why it’s often called your core identity.

In the landscape of identities, there’s kind of a unique layer I call the meso level identities. These identities are the ones you present to different social groups. Yeah, I know “meso” is an odd word, but I was kind of going with an “m” theme here, and I like the word. Here, meso just means middle, as in between the macro I just talked about and the micro levels I'll talk about in a minute. These are the identities you present to different groups of people, work, friends, church, whatever it might be … Managing meso level identities requires a lot of emotional labor because the identities are governed by the norms within each group; and group norms can be complicated, messy, and dynamic. In other words, they’re hard to figure out and they change … sometimes really quickly.

Craig 06:57 

Now let’s zoom down into the “micro-level identities.” These are the identities you show when having private moments with someone. For example, when my parents were alive, family gathering Craig was slightly different from the Craig that interacted with my older brother Richard. Think about that one person who, when you’re with them, you feel completely at ease. Then contrast that with the person that you really don’t like being alone with because you feel like you really have to watch yourself. This “watching yourself” is a key component of emotional labor. These micro level identities, like the others, are important aspects of your emotional well-being.

I want to make two critical points here. These identities overlap, with your macro level, core identity acting as the driver of the other levels. The core stays the same, but the edges change based on the situation. Also, this may all sound inauthentic … like you’re putting on a show. This is not the case. Identity management and switching is a necessary part of living in a complex world. Remember you’re still you; you’re just presenting slightly different aspects of you. Dr. J and Dr. Van Slyke are the same person, just with different hats on. When I shifted from one to the other, I was just navigating a complicated social existence.

Craig 08:28 

Alright, let’s go back to emotional labor. Most of the research on emotional labor uses the context of work. For example, there’s a lot of research into the emotional labor costs of customer-facing jobs like retail, restaurants, and customer service.. (For god’s sake, be nice to these folks. They have really tough jobs.) One reason emotional labor is so bad in these positions is because customer-facing employees have to deal with two tremendous challenges. First, they have to live up to company expectations and norms in order to keep their jobs. These may represent norms and values that differ drastically from their personal norms and values. The larger the gap, the greater the emotional labor. Second, they’re constantly having to navigate the expectations that come with every individual customer … and these are typically unknown. When you deal with co-workers, you learn their preferences and norms, refining your knowledge with each encounter. When a customer walks in, it may be the first and maybe last time the worker has ever laid eyes on them. So, the poor worker is stepping into an abyss of the unknown. The tremendous emotional labor of these jobs is one reason they can take a huge toll on mental health. Again, be kind to these folks.

Craig 09:46 

Emotional labor presents a really interesting paradox; it’s necessary for maintaining your well-being, but it can also be extremely damaging. We live in a social world, so a certain amount of emotional labor is required for co-existing with others - you just can't get around it. People that continually violate social norms and expectations are often isolated, which is really bad for your well-being. So some degree of emotional labor is just necessary. But, when emotional labor becomes excessive, the cognitive and emotional toll leads to considerable stress and anxiety. This is another of those Golden mean situations … too little emotional labor is bad, but so is too much emotional labor. There's another common way that emotional labor is damaging. Sometimes you may feel a sort of dissonance … a disconnect between who you are at your core (your macro identity) and the identity that you present to others in a given situation. When these different identities become misaligned, you feel inauthentic … you feel like a fake. Since most of us don’t want to be fake, an unease … a dissonance sets in, which can lead to depression and reduced well-being.

Craig 11:03 

Emotional labor and managing multiple identities are really tightly linked. When you transition from one context to another, you often engage in identity switching, changing from one identity to another. This requires emotional labor since you have to reassess the norms of the new situation as they relate to your identity. For example, if I go to lunch with friends, then teach a class right afterward, I have to switch from my “friends” identity to my “professor” identity and change the boundaries of my emotions from one identity and situation to the other. It’s really important to understand that your emotional displays will be governed by the intersection of your identity and the situation. It’s not how some vague SOMEONE should react in this context, it’s how YOU in THIS IDENTITY should react. This reconfiguration of guidelines when you switch from one identity to another requires effort, sometimes a lot of effort.

Craig 12:06 

Switching errors also bring about emotional labor. Sometimes you don’t get the match between identity and situation quite right. You either take on the wrong identity, or you let aspects of one identity unintentionally bleed over into another identity. Maybe I tell a slightly inappropriate Dr. J joke in class, where I should be in my Dr. Van Slyke teacher identity. When this happens, I suffer a number of emotional labor costs -- damage control, inauthenticity and dissonance from being “out of character,” re-establishing behavioral and emotional boundaries, and sometimes some guilt and regret. All of this requires even more effort. Switching errors can be caused by a variety of factors, including fatigue, stress, or sometimes a lack of self-awareness.

Craig 12:59 

Emotional labor also comes from identity confusion, especially when relationships are changing or when you’re in novel situations. When things are changing or when you’re experiencing something new, you’re not quite sure which identity should be controlling your actions, this can cause significant emotional labor. Keep in mind, though, that this is fine and normal when the confusion is transitional and temporary, but when identity confusion is ongoing it can damage your emotional health.

It seems to me that there are two main ways to reduce the emotional labor caused by identity management; increasing self-awareness and enhancing your emotional intelligence. Each of these topics could easily take multiple episodes to discuss, so I’m going to stick to a pretty high level here. Increasing your self awareness helps you in at least three ways. Self-awareness will strengthen your various identities, making you more conscious of and confident in them. In other words, the identities will become more clear to you and you'll trust them more, bringing about less identity confusion and reducing switching costs. Strengthening your emotional intelligence will also help. Emotional intelligence is your ability to identify, understand, and manage your own emotions and your ability to perceive the emotions of others. Improving these skills will significantly reduce the likelihood of identity switching errors and will improve your capacity to align your responses with the emotional expectations associated with your chosen identity. Basically, this means that you’ll be better equipped to figure out the right identity for a situation and to consistently act according to that identity. Let’s look at three specific practices you can start this week to build self-awareness and emotional intelligence so that you can reduce the emotional labor of multiple identities.

Craig 14:56 

I’m going to kind of roll these three practices together. The first practice is to do a series of daily reflections. In the first reflection, think about the different identities you exhibit. Most of us have several, a family identity, a professional identity, a friends identity, and lots of others. Just think about the different versions of you you present in various situations and how these different versions might differs. Pick the three of these and give them a name, then briefly describe the ideal characteristics of the identity. For example, my classroom identity is a combination of matter-of-fact, no-nonsense with a touch of levity while taking the duty of helping my students very seriously. “Classroom” me doesn’t put up with any nonsense or lame excuses, but also tells dad jokes in class, and shows pictures of goats, horses, cats and dogs, but I never shirk my teaching responsibilities. Note that I’m describing ideal characteristics here … it’s who I want Classroom Craig to be, not necessarily who he is in every particular instance.

Craig 16:05  

The rest of the week, spend 15 minutes or so at the end of each day and think about the times you switched identities. When I’m in the department office talking with my colleagues, I’m pretty laid back and joke around a lot; that’s Colleague Craig. When it’s time to teach, Classroom Craig takes the stage. At home, Fur Daddy Craig takes the lead. Just record the different times you switch identities each day. These two activities should significantly strengthen your self-awareness.

The third action involves a practice called emotional labeling. Each evening take a few minutes and reflect on some of the emotions you experienced during the day. Write down the emotion using specific labels, don’t say you felt bad, say you felt frustrated, disappointed, overwhelmed, or whatever. Then write down what you think triggered that feeling. Also try to capture the context in which you felt the emotion. For example, I might have felt frustrated when my students appeared to be paying attention to their phones during a class activity. At the end of the week, review these reflections and try to identify patterns and then tie the patterns to specific identities.

Craig 17:19 

Alright, I'm running pretty long, so I'm gonna close. The closing quote is attributed to Ralph Waldo Emerson (although I'm not 100% sure that's accurate, but it doesn't really matter), "To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." Remember that your identities … all of them … are what make you unique. Don’t just let your identities be driven by the tides of life. You have the power to shape them. Take charge, own your identities, and be who you truly want to be.

Until next time, be well my friends.

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Until next time.