Living a Life of Purpose (rewind)

Welcome to Live Well and Flourish, where I help you understand what it means to live a flourishing life. I'm your host, Craig Van Slyke, if you're ready to think beyond material and external success, if you're ready to take control of who you are and the kind of life you live, if you're ready to flourish, this is the podcast for you.

Have you ever felt aimless, like you didn’t know what your life was all about? I have. At one time or another, you have probably felt like you were just bouncing around aimlessly, your life a series of seemingly random events, without any real direction, kind of like an abandoned boat, just drifting along, a victim of wind and tide. I certainly know that feeling. What you were feeling and what I was feeling is a lack of purpose, a lack of a proverbial North Star that you can use to give your life direction.

In this episode of Live Well and Flourish, I’ll discuss the connection between having a purpose and living well, and how knowing your purpose can help you make decisions, give you flexibility, even in difficult circumstances, help you focus on the future rather than dwelling on the past, improve your self-image, and most importantly, give your life direction and meaning.

I’ll also share some thoughts about how to uncover your purpose and then use that purpose to live an excellent life. In the last episode of Live Well & Flourish, I introduced the concept of self-leadership and the four critical elements of self-leadership: purposefulness, mindfulness, practice and reflection. Purposefulness is the most important of these. Without a purpose, the rest don’t matter much.

Here’s my story about finding my purpose.

My life changed dramatically as a result of a random question. Early one morning, I was running with my marathon training group. (This was a LONG time ago!) We were running along, chatting to take our minds off of the pain. While complaining about my job, I mentioned how much I enjoyed teaching. (I taught evening classes for a local college at the time.) Someone asked, “Well, then why don’t you teach full time?” I pondered that question for the rest of the run. That simple question started me on an ongoing journey to discover my purpose in life. At first I thought my purpose was to teach, so I quit my job and returned to school for a Ph.D. Later I realized that teaching was what I wanted to do, but I didn’t fully understand why I wanted to teach. Over many years and much reflection, I’ve come to understand that I want to help people live successful, meaningful lives. That’s my purpose. Teaching is only one way to accomplish this purpose. This podcast is another.

It’s important not to confuse purpose with goals. Goals are great, but they’re temporary, they have an end. Your purpose is more like the horizon, you can move towards it, but you never really get there. That’s why I like the North Star metaphor. Just like ancient mariners used the North Star to guide them, adjusting their paths according to that beacon, your purpose gives you a guiding light that directs your actions and decisions. Just like the North Star is always there, so is your purpose.

Let me tell you a story to illustrate one of the advantages of focusing on purpose rather than just using goals. Earlier I mentioned my marathon training. Despite my considerable bulk, I actually used to be a distance runner. My one and only marathon was the first Disney Marathon. We trained for the better part of eight months. The marathon training drove my daily schedule, my diet, and lots of other aspects of my life. The big day finally came, I ran and finished the marathon, celebrated, and then became strangely depressed. After a while I realized that my depression was caused by the lack of a goal that had the same power over my life as my marathon goal. It turns out that post-marathon depression is actually a thing. You can look it up if you don’t believe me. For months, you have this big goal that drives you, and then nothing. Goals can be like that. Your purpose isn’t. Your purpose is always there, never finished, but always giving your life meaning. You can live your purpose until the very end. Your purpose should drive your goals, but your purpose is more than just a bundle of goals, it’s the always-shining light that guides your path through life.

Understanding your purpose provides a foundation for decision-making, planning, reflection, personal development and evaluation. It’s the standard against which you can judge practically everything about your life. How? You might ask. Let’s look at decision-making. At a high level, when faced with a decision, just ask yourself which alternative will better help you serve your purpose; that’s the correct alternative. Of course, it isn’t always easy or straightforward. Sometimes it’s not clear which alternative will best move you towards serving your purpose. Such situations require more study and reflection, but you can still use your purpose as the North Star guiding your decisions and actions. The same logic applies to planning. When mapping out your activities, keep your purpose in mind. Give more priority to those activities that help you serve your purpose. Of course, you still need to do other things in your life, such as make money and pay your bills. And other aspects of your life are also important, like spending time with family and friends. But you should always keep your purpose in mind when making choices about how to spend your time. Remember, time is your most precious resource. Reflecting on how you are going about living your purpose is important to living a meaningful life. During this reflection, you can dispassionately evaluate whether you can make changes that will help you serve your purpose more effectively. This reflection may lead you to uncover things about yourself that you should work on, in other words your personal development.

Living a purposeful life also helps you focus on the future, rather than dwelling on the past. The effect here is a little subtle. I believe that living with purpose focuses you on what you can do, not on what you may have failed to do, or did poorly in the past. This is critical to flourishing. To paraphrase Epictetus, some things are in our control, and some things are not. Among the very long list of things that aren’t in our control is the past. As Omar Khayyam wrote, “The moving finger writes; and having writ, moves on: nor all thy Piety nor Wit shall lure it back to cancel half a Line nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it.” In other words, you can’t change the past. So focus on the future. Your purpose gives you a way to do this. By knowing your life’s purpose, you can place your focus on what you CAN do to live that purpose rather than wasting time and energy stressing over the past.

Knowing your purpose also makes you more resilient to life’s inevitable challenges. Let’s face it, sometimes life sucks. We’ve all gone through down times. One way to get through them is to have a firm sense of your purpose. Your resilience, your ability to get through difficulties, to adapt to adversity in ways that allow you to maintain your well-being is critical to your happiness. Positive self-concepts, optimism, hope, and adaptability are just some of the things that lead to resilience, and purposefulness can help with all of these. When you know your purpose, you can find ways to serve that purpose even when events move against you. This can give you a tremendous sense of hope and optimism. As Viktor Frankl, a Holocaust survivor, wrote in Man’s Search for Meaning, “Those who have a ‘why’ to live, can bear almost any ‘how'.”

Your purpose also gives you a stronger sense of identity and self-worth, which are important aspects of your self-concept, which is the way you view yourself. Once you find your purpose, it becomes an important anchor for your self identity. Although it sounds kind of odd to put it this way, if you ask me who I am as a person, I would say that I’m someone who helps others live successful, meaningful lives. Being a professor is my job, it’s not who I am. Knowing my purpose helps me understand this clearly. My purpose, not my occupation, is what gives my life meaning and I view my identity according to my purpose. This is really important because my job is not fully under my control. We’ve all known someone who has lost a job through no fault of their own. The loss of a job is devastating enough, you don’t want to lose your self-identity too. If you have a strong sense of purpose, losing your job won’t mean losing your identity.

Many people struggle with feelings of low self-worth. A sense of purpose can improve your self-worth. Our feelings of self-worth depend on how we view ourselves. If you base your feelings of self-worth on transitory anchors, such as being attractive, powerful, or being a good athlete, for example, when you lose these things your self-worth suffers. You can’t lose your purpose, it’s always present, and, as I’ll discuss later, there are always ways to serve your purpose, regardless of your situation. In addition, when you know your purpose, you know why you matter, why you make a difference in the world, and this boosts your self-worth. Again, basing your self-worth on your purpose puts your self-worth under your control, not under the control of external events.

This brings me to what I see as the big, overarching benefit of purposefulness. To me, the greatest benefits to having a sense of purpose come from the feelings of control and freedom that purposefulness brings. You’ve probably felt like your life is out of control at some point. Most of us have. If you think back on those out-of-control times, you may remember being stressed out, depressed, angry or any of a laundry list of other negative emotional states. Once you understand your purpose, when you feel life is out of control, doing even small things related to your purpose restores some sense of control, and as a result negates some of those negative emotions. As Seneca put it, “… no man is constrained to live under constraint … on all sides lie many short and simple paths to freedom.” Others may control your job, your income, or other external aspects of your life, but no one can prevent you from pursuing your purpose. Once you understand this, you’ll experience a sense of freedom that’s known to few.

So, how do you find your purpose? Notice the word “find” in that question. I believe we all have a purpose; the task is to discover your purpose. Understanding your purpose is an outcome of considerable time and effort, combined with sometimes-uncomfortable reflection. But once you know your purpose, you’ll live a fuller, happier life, a life filled with meaning, which seems worth the effort to me. So here are three things you can do this week that will move you towards your purpose, and towards a flourishing life.

First, take 18 minutes, and listen to Simon Sinek’s TED Talk, “Start with Why.” (I’ll put a link in the show notes: https://www.ted.com/talks/simon_sinek_how_great_leaders_inspire_action ). Sinek’s talk is focused on businesses, but I think the same basic ideas apply to individuals. Letting your “why”, your purpose, drive your life is critical to living an excellent life. In a nutshell, Sinek's “Golden Circle” concept puts purpose (which he calls the why) at the center of concentric circles, with “how” and “what” in the outer rings. Your “why” drives the way in which you pursue your purpose, that's what Sinek calls the "how", and then your “what” are the specific things you do. By maintaining focus on the why, you can adjust how and what according to circumstances, but always adapting in ways that pursue your why. Watch the video for the details, it's really worth spending the 18 minutes.

Second, spend 10 minutes every day thinking about your purpose. I’ll warn you that this is just a start. Uncovering your purpose may take a long time, and may require a lot of refinement as you hone in on that purpose. But, the effort is worth it. Here are a few questions to ponder that might help:

- What makes you happy?

- What gives you a deep sense of accomplishment?

- Here’s my favorite: Imagine that you’re at your 100th birthday party. What would you want people to say about you?

As you think about these, try to differentiate between “what” and “why.” The thing that's important here is why the things that you identified make you happy or give you a sense of accomplishment or satisfaction, so focus on that "why" aspect.

Finally, as you ponder these questions, I urge you to think about your effect on others. By doing so, you may identify a purpose that transcends you, and that makes the world a better place. And that, my friends, is real flourishing.

Let me close with another quote from Viktor Frankl, “... happiness can only arise as a result of living out one’s self-transcendence, one’s devotion to a cause to be served, or a person to be loved.”

Be well my friends.

I produce Live Well And Flourish because of my dedication to helping others live excellent lives. I don't accept sponsorships and I don't want your money. The only thing I want is to help you and others flourish. If you've received some value from this episode, please share it with someone that might also benefit from listening. The best to do that is to direct them to livewellandflousih.com. Until next time.

Hi. You may have noticed our new theme music, which was written by the uber-talented Hazel Crossler. I'm very grateful to Hazel for composing music that so perfectly fits Live Well and Flourish. If you're interested in commissioning your own work from Hazel, the email address is in the show notes. Thank you.